Fishing for Business

The fishes at my local garden centre at Polhill have kindly donated one of their internal newsletters to provide some business vocab and phrases.

Dear Colleagues, Further to your recent enquiries, I am delighted to be able to answer all your queries and questions regarding our operations and activities in our new premises here at Fish World. As you may be aware, some years ago we had to carry on our day-to-day tasks in a cramped, cold and uninviting building, which meant that business was largely confined to our existing customer base, with no new contacts forthcoming. A replacement building was constructed for us and we are pleased to report that our comfortable new offices have proved to be an excellent investment. We are especially pleased with the improved lighting, specially designed to illuminate each section of our workspace. Extra windows mean that we can make constant friendly contact with prospective customers who are now able to talk to us face to face, and admire our smooth-flowing operations much more easily. We can truly say that we are no longer fishing in vain for new business and that the scales have been tipped very much in our favour. We do not now have to battle upstream against the flow and I can confirm that all our staff are tanked up, full of enthusiasm for the future and ready to dive in to all the new opportunities that we have for the improvement of our business.

In reply to the many requests for further information on some of our new products, I have pleasure in enclosing several promotional photos. With reference to the Fashion Department, after careful consideration we decided to import some new variations on our usual stock and here are our colleagues tastefully demonstrating some of our latest lines in swimwear. The stripy pyjama look is very popular at the present time, being a simple, elegant and timeless design that flatters all figures. I can confirm that we are holding a large stock of this item in the warehouse, in anticipation of great demand over the summer season.

The yellow and purple one-piece suit is our newest arrival, and here is sales assistant Fynn modelling it in one of our best showcase aquariums. If you are interested in obtaining this particular outfit, we would suggest you purchase well in advance of your requirements, as this has to be specially ordered and imported from our suppliers overseas and it may at times be out of stock for brief periods.

Our third item is aimed at the dedicated young professional who requires summer wear that is informal while retaining a smart and business-like appearance. These off-white crease-free easy-care shirts with contrasting collar and cuffs can be ordered in any colour combination, so that customers can match them to their existing wardrobe, uniforms or business logo design. We are expecting sales of these to increase as they become more well-known. Our staff already have invitations to model them at many of the national fashion exhibitions and will be gliding coolly to and fro amongst the visitors, wearing this item and handing out the appropriate promotional material, as well as freebies and samples. Hopefully by the end of each day they will be awash with orders from everyone who sees them, from the small fry to the larger fish in the sea.





Correction to outline: "laconic" (line 4) has full stroke N

With reference to the staff changes, we are very pleased to welcome Mr Greysides as our new shop manager. Although our staff are always very energetic and we have many colourful characters working for us, you may find Mr Greysides somewhat staid and laconic in his manner. This is a necessary part of his very worthwhile contribution to our business, as his job is to observe how we operate on a daily basis, and to come up with changes and improvements to our methods and routines, for the benefit of the customers, the staff and the shareholders.

Abounding enthusiasm
from our staff

Following a meeting with senior management, Mr Greysides is drawing up plans to introduce some new and exciting activities into the Staff Sports and Leisure Club. Please feel free to contact him in order to contribute your own ideas for the ongoing expansion of these facilities. He has informed me that he is happy to examine any new proposals and to discuss the advantages and disadvantages with interested parties. We are grateful for his refreshingly different managerial approach to our business and the well-being of the employees, and I am sure that we will all get to know him much better when we have the chance to converse informally on our Annual Firm’s Outing to Fishbourne later on in the year.

Our job enrichment programme is progressing very well indeed, and we have had a wonderful response to our memorandum asking staff to act as models for our ornamental sculptures artist who has been commissioned to produce new items for sale in the garden centre. A few of the more outgoing members have made extra overtime earnings in this way, and are to be commended for their initiative and co-operation. Miss Fishley was delighted with the result of her input, and this statue has been selling really well from the moment it was introduced onto our shelves.

There were unfortunately no takers to model for the fierce dragon garden ornament, as our staff seemed to think that this might reflect adversely on their career prospects. However, we have received comments that the finished articles do bear a resemblance to some of the more long-standing members of our Board of Directors.

No-one is owning up to being the inspiration for the smiley chickens, but we do have one or two ideas who provided the faces for the sharks. I think it was our Managing Director who said we should strive to be as wise as sharks and harmless as chickens (a useful quote recorded for us verbatim by Mrs Wiggley who has learned the unusual skill of shorthand, another example of the success of our training programme). We think these decorative goods will result in increased sales to customers who prefer to make purchases that require no maintenance. 

Our range of ornamental goods is real value for money but please note that exact designs, colours and prices are subject to change at short notice, although we will endeavour to keep them at their present economical level in order to attract new custom and interest from the buying public. We believe this approach will enable us to maintain our market share without harming our profitability in any way.

One at a time, please

At the meeting with the staff last week, we were delighted to have the opportunity of conversing with our hardworking and loyal employees, as well as the trainees and internees, in an informal atmosphere. Everyone boldly opened their mouths and spoke up with many helpful and practical suggestions for the future of our venture. Nobody was coy and there was absolutely no carping. Some of the smaller contributors occasionally got a little drowned out, but after testing the water they soon got into the swim of proceedings and put forth their ideas for the streamlining of our business. The meeting concluded with a rousing message of hearty appreciation from our Chairman, who spoke at length on the successful working relationship between colleagues and business associates. At the conclusion of proceedings, there was not a dry eye in the room.

We are now in the early planning stages of our next Team Building Day, and I duly enclose our staff attendance form. I would request that you fill this in and return it to the administration department at your earliest convenience. Your immediate attention to this matter would be greatly appreciated. Please let them know if you have any special ideas, suggestions or requirements. They will be contacting those attending nearer the date so that the necessary arrangements can be made in regard to accommodation and catering. I look forward to meeting with you all at that event and if I can be of any further help in any way, please do not hesitate to get in contact with me, either by phone, text, email or in writing. Yours most sincerely, Mr Waters, Personnel Manager (1342 words)